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Tuesday, March 15, 2011 - Isaac Preston

Then God said, “Take your son, your only son, whom you love—Isaac—and go to the region of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on a mountain I will show you.” - Genesis 22:2

 

The angel of the LORD called to Abraham from heaven a second time 16 and said, “I swear by myself, declares the LORD, that because you have done this and have not withheld your son, your only son, 17 I will surely bless you and make your descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky and as the sand on the seashore. Your descendants will take possession of the cities of their enemies, 18 and through your offspring all nations on earth will be blessed, because you have obeyed me.” – Genesis 22:15-18

 

Just as the Lord called Abraham to offer his son to him as a sacrifice we believe that as parents we should always remember that our children are not ours. They are the Lord’s and it is not about the plan that we have for them, but it is about His plan. That is why we have chosen the name Isaac for our precious son. It is a reminder that his life, no matter how long or short it is here on earth is for the glory of the Lord. 

 

Thank you for visiting our blog and for taking the time to read about this new journey that the Lord has placed before us. I will take a few moments to give you a little background on how we got to where we are now. We found out on Christmas Eve that we were expecting our second child. We were so excited! We have always wanted a big family and Kadynce would be about 22 months when the new baby would arrive. It just seemed perfect. Early in the pregnancy I learned that one of my hormone levels were low, but that this was a fairly common problem. They put me on supplements and the pregnancy seemed to progress normally. We opted to have what is called a “first screen” at 12 weeks. It is a combined ultrasound/blood test that tells you your risk for chromosomal defects. We did not have this test with Kadynce, but for some reason we decided that we would with this baby. Insurance would cover it and it was one extra time we would get to see our baby. The test, however did not go as planned. They saw a couple of things that seemed unusual and combined with the blood test it raised my risk quite a bit for having a child with Down’s Syndrome. While this came as a shock, Jonathan and I had peace and were prepared to do what ever was necessary for our baby. We opted out of an amniocentesis to conform any suspicions at that time, but we did agree to return in 3 weeks for another ultrasound. That brings us to this past Friday. To make a long story short there were multiple abnormalities immediately detected and the nurse as well as doctor began to suspect the possibility of Trisomy 18 or 13 instead of 21(Down’s Syndrome). They strongly suggested that we go ahead with the amnio so we would know exactly what we are dealing with and they informed us that if it is one of the suspected syndromes most of the babies do not make it to term. We decided to proceed with the amnio so we could be better educated, but told them that it would not effect our decision about carrying the baby to term or as far as he would make it. After a long weekend of waiting we got a phone call Monday afternoon telling us that our baby does indeed have Trisomy 13 and it is a little boy. We almost immediately decided that his name would be Isaac Preston (Preston is Jonathan’s middle name and we have always wanted it to be a part of our little boy’s name.) We will find out next week whether or not this was inherited from us. 97% of the time it is completely random (although we know no baby is random) and not inherited. They say this type of abnormality occurs about 1 in 10,000. Yes our sweet baby is so very special. 

 

There are multiple very good websites that talk about Trisomy 13. www.livingwithtrisomy13.org is one of the best I have found. We are not in denial. We know that at this time the prognosis for Isaac is not good, but we also know that we serve a powerful and mighty God and that his will will be done in all of this. 

 

Several of you have asked how you can specifically pray for us during this time. Here are a few requests that we have: 

 

· That we will have a peace that surpasses all understanding. That our minds will not be filled with worry, but instead just an intense sense of peace. 

 

· That our faith will remain strong and we will not doubt that our Lord is sovereign in all of this. 

· That we will have wisdom. As the pregnancy progresses we will be faced with many tough decisions. We want to make the best decisions possible for baby Isaac as well as for our family as a whole. This may be very, very difficult and this is weighing so heavily on my mind right now. 

 

· Most importantly that God’s glory will shine each and every day through our lives and the life of our Isaac. 

 

Thank you much for your love and support through this. We love you all so much!

 

-Kacie

 

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Tuesday, March 29, 2011- Update on our little guy...

The Facts:

First, I just want to give you the facts that we currently know (or have been told about Isaac).  Last Tuesday we learned that the type of Trisomy 13 that he has is NOT the kind that is inherited from one parent or the other.  The nurse proceeded to tell us that it was just “bad luck.”  While I do understand what she was saying, we know very well that it was not bad luck and that Isaac was handpicked for us and that he is made perfectly in God’s image.  My midwife called me that afternoon and told me that I had been on her mind and she would like to refer me to a specialist if I was interested.  I told her I was very interested and wanted all the resources I could get.  The office of the Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor (also known as Perinatologist) called me the next morning to set up an appointment for Friday.  At the appointment they did another sonogram.  I made sure that the ultrasound tech was aware of what Isaac had been diagnosed with because I didn’t want her to be surprised by all of his problems.  She told me she knew and gave me the most caring smile.  During the sonogram I was dreading hearing once again everything that is wrong with our baby, but she did not even mention one thing.  She would say “oh there are his legs, or I’m measuring his tummy now” just like I knew she would for a “normal” baby.  She took time to get some sweet 3D pictures of his perfect little face.  She made sure we already knew he was a boy and she said he was NOT being shy J.  The doctor came in and said he had looked over the sonogram and asked what we had been told so I told him briefly what we knew.  He said that the sonogram basically just confirmed all of that and that he didn’t think it was necessary to go over all that with us again (I was very thankful for that).  He asked if we knew our options (I could tell he didn’t want to say the word termination) and I told him that we wanted to continue the pregnancy.  He said ok and that it wouldn’t be mentioned again.  The doctor was very supportive of our decision and didn’t proceed to tell us all of the reasons it would be hard on us.  He said they would help us in planning each step of this difficult process.  He also reiterated that most babies with Trisomy 13 don’t make it to term.  I told him that I am not in denial and know that Isaac is very sick, but that I need to know as a Mommy and a nurse that I have done everything possible for my baby so I asked him if he thought any kind of surgery would be possible were Isaac to be born alive.  He told me that he is not a pediatric surgeon, but with all of the problems that Isaac has he has very serious doubts that any surgeon would attempt to operate on him.  He told me that I am being a wonderful Mommy by doing exactly what I am doing and that if he is born alive making sure Isaac is loved on and kept warm will be the most important thing.  Oh how I needed to hear that from a doctor.  While it is so heartbreaking to hear that your baby is so sick that there is nothing we can do for him, it was also good to have someone be honest with me and tell me that holding and loving my baby will be the best thing for him.  I can totally do that.  As of right now this is what they see going on with Isaac’s little body:

 

·        His brain and head are about 2 weeks behind in growth and his brain is not developing as it should.

·        He has hypoplastic left heart

·        He has a single umbilical artery

·        His kidneys (at least one of them) is dilated

·        He has an extra finger

·        He has a cleft lip

 

How are you….?

This is a question I get asked so frequently.  Many times people really want to know and other times people just don’t know what to say.  If you have asked me that question more than once you may have noticed that my answer is not always the same.  I try to be as honest as possible when answering that question and my answer is not always the same because “how I am doing’ varies from day to day or at times moment to moment.  Surprisingly, though I feel that overall I am doing very well.  Those of you who know me well know that I am a worrier by nature.  I am not what I would consider an “independent woman” and do not think of myself as being very strong.  How I have been able to find joy each day, sleep at night, and continue to eat is nothing short of the glory of God.  I literally feel his arms wrapped around me and an intense sense of peace in my heart.  Don’t get me wrong my heart aches so badly.  I want my baby boy to be healthy.  I want Kadynce to be able to play with her little brother.  I was so looking forward to bringing another baby home and all the excitement that comes along with that.  My heart longs for those things more than I can even describe so I definitely have my very, very sad moments.  But, I am trying my hardest not to mourn a baby that is still very much alive.  If Isaac does go to be with our Lord there will be plenty of time for that then.  I want to enjoy each moment I have with him as much as possible.  Many of you may be thinking “God still does miracles” or “The Lord can heal Isaac, you just have to have faith.”  I believe that 100%.  I don’t just believe that He CAN heal Isaac, I believe he WILL.  It just may not be on this side of Heaven.  Whether he does or doesn’t heal him on earth, we will praise Him just the same.  I have two dear friends that were very sick here on earth, but now have perfectly healthy bodies in Heaven and are worshipping our Lord with the angels.  What an incredible thought is that? 

 

Feeling loved:

Thank you all so much for your continued prayers and sweet notes of encouragement.  Please know that I read each word (many times over and over). I may not always have the time to respond to each one the way I would like, but they really do mean the world to me.  We definitely feel loved and I can’t thank you enough for that.  Instead of leaving a specific prayer list this time I want to just ask you to pray how you feel led to pray for us.  My mind and my heart want so many different things that many times I don’t even know how to pray.  Several people have reminded me that God already knows my heart, he created me.  He just wants us to talk to him and pour ourselves out to him.  So that's what we are continuing to do each day...            

 

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Tuesday, June 14, 2011 - Putting on my big girl pants and trying again...

Immediately when we were told our baby was going to have serious medical problems there was no question in my mind as to whether or not I would share his story in public.  I already had a blog and had every intention of using it to keep family and friends updated.  I also wanted to hopefully in some way help another Mommy that may be going through a similar situation.  I have never really been one to keep my life a secret and I enjoy letting people in on how I am feeling and what is going on in my life.  I never imagined that sharing this part of my life would be so much harder emotionally.  That is why I haven’t updated as frequently as I originally intended to.  For the past couple of weeks I have really struggled because so many of you are praying so faithfully for us and for little Isaac and I want to keep you updated, I really do.  At the same time it is hard because for the millions of sweet and kind words that are said, every now and then something is said that hurts.  Sometimes that one thing overshadows all the good and it makes it hard for me to pick myself up and keep going.  I am aware that I am a sensitive person and I need to have thicker skin, but it’s hard.  As you’re reading this please don’t worry about whether or not it was you that has said something.  I am not looking for any apologies and I realize nobody has meant to hurt me.  I just wanted to give an explanation for my absence in the blog world.  With that said here I am again.  I just keep feeling the Lord tugging on my heart to publically share our little one’s story. 

 

We went to the doctor for an ultrasound about a week and a half ago and were able to see our sweet boy.  You can tell he is growing because he is beginning to be all smooshed inside.  That combined with the fact that he was moving like crazy made it difficult to get many good pictures.  

 

The doctor said that basically things look the same as before.  Please don't be sad or disappointed by that.  He is still in the Lord's hands.  We are all just taking things moment by moment, day by day. 

 

Thank you so much for your continued prayers.  The Lord has just been taking care of each and every little detail.  We just feel so blessed.  

 

 

Thursday, July 14, 2011 - Expectations

I am a people pleaser. When I think someone is unhappy with me my stomach is in knots and I just feel sick. The past 18 weeks have been no different because although my world has been turned upside down,I am still me. That desire to please everyone, especially those closest to me is still very present. It has been the biggest balancing act ever! I haven't wanted people to be worried about me or to be sad when I might not have even been sad myself, but I have wanted to be genuine with my feelings. I feel like some people have expected me to be sad all the time, while other's expect me to be constantly "strong" and begin to worry if I have a bad day. I feel like some people think the only emotion associated with Isaac is sadness. This is not true for me. He has and will bring me much joy, although I know much sadness will be involved as well. He is just as much my baby as Kadynce is and I love him so very much. I love it when people talk about him like a "normal" baby and don't focus on everything he has wrong. 

 

I know some of you are probably thinking "my goodness, why does she worry so much about what other's think or say?". The truth is I know I shouldn't as much as I do, but that is just me. I think part of it is that I have wanted to handle this in the way that God will get the most glory. I have had so many people tell me how good of a witness I have been or how they have been impressed at my strength. That means so much to me, but it makes me wonder if I had handled things any differently or had not been "strong" would that have made me any less of a witness for the Lord? 

 

A sweet friend told me not too long ago that if I wanted to run in the street naked I could and that she would not judge me because she has never been where I am and has no idea how she would react. Don't worry I have another dear friend that said under no circumstances would she let me do that :). This meant a lot to me though because she was acknowledging that since she has never been where I am, there is no way she will know how I feel. There have been days when people have told me they have no idea what to say to me, but they just wanted to let me know that they love me. That has meant the world to me. 

 

I am scared and I am tired, but I am also very much looking forward to meeting our sweet Isaac. I really have no idea what the next couple of months (I am currently 33 weeks) are going to look like. I do know that God is good. While I will continue to try to handle each day as gracefully as I know how it is ok for me to be weak. I know that ultimately I will get through this because of the strength the Lord gives me, but that does not mean that I can't have bad or "weak" days. It is also ok for me to be happy and to "forget" about trisomy 13 from time to time and just enjoy my baby. I have family and friends that have helped me come to the realization that the Lord gives us others to lean on and to help us through the hard times. Trying to meet everyone's expectations is beginning to drain me. In the coming weeks I am going to have to focus on our immediate family and what is best for us. I know that everyone is not going to agree with every decision we make and it will be hard, but we're doing the best we know how. 

 

Thank you so much to our faithful prayer warriors. We appreciate each one of you so much! Also thank you for the calls, text messages, and sweet cards full of encouragement. We feel very loved and blessed.

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Tuesday, July 19, 2011 - A SPECIAL THANK YOU!

This blog is being posted by Jonathan (Kacie's Husband)

 

We just wanted to send out a special "thanks" to all who came out to Isaac's memorial service today. The amount of people who showed up to support us blew our minds. It was a wonderful time together as we celebrated Isaac's life, but more importantly we celebrated God's faithfulness and sovereignty.  Kacie and I hope that Isaac's life would continue to bless you, to draw you closer to Christ, and to display His glory and His faithfulness. Many of you have asked how we are doing, and I know many of you expect us to be extremely sad and grieving. Just so you know we are sad and we are grieving the loss of our precious son. However, the joy and excitement that we have experienced over the last 4 days, and truly over the last 33 weeks, has by far outweighed the sadness and grief.

 

We are honored to share Isaac's life with you - so please take a few minutes to watch the following video of Isaac's story. We hope that God touches you through him like he has us.

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Wednesday, July 20, 2011 - Isaac's Story by Steve Adler

I am planning on telling Isaac's birth story from my point of view in the next few days. I have just been taking a little bit of time to rest both physically and emotionally. This is his story as written by our good friend, Steve Adler. He read it at the memorial service and it just meant so much to us that we wanted to share it with you all. 

 

To reiterate what Jonathan said last night, we cannot thank all of you enough for your prayers, love, and support over the last months and especially the last few days. You have all been the perfect example of the body of Christ and we are eternally grateful. 

 

Written by Steve Adler...

Isaac’s story begins two days before Christmas last year. God had given Jonathan and Kacie a gift, and God would use the next several months to give them more gifts and blessings, and teach them more than they could have ever expected. They were so excited to learn that they were expecting another baby. Then the next month, January, was busy and included a move from Dallas to Round Rock, and though there were some difficulties, they were assured of the baby’s health when they heard his heart beat.

 

At twelve weeks the doctors noticed some irregularities during an ultrasound. Jonathan and Kacie were made aware that there could be possible complications, and while anxious, they still didn’t think it was life-threatening. Three weeks later, they learned that the baby had multiple anomalies - and all of them serious. After more tests, it was concluded that the baby would not live long, if at all. An amniocentesis allowed the doctors to diagnose Trisomy 13, and medically declare the baby “incompatible with life.”

 

Devastated, Jonathan and Kacie were put in a position they never imagined themselves in. Jonathan recalls, “I’ve always believed I would never even consider an abortion, but when put in that situation and all the doctors selling termination as the best thing to do, it seemed like a real option. It made sense.” But God had not given this baby (or this opportunity) to them in order for them to quit or take the easy way out. Terminating was never a real option. This was not their child - it was God’s. God had given them a gift - for their joy and for His glory. And they were determined to protect this life and glorify God with it.

 

Shortly after, Kacie wrote on her blog: “Just as the Lord called Abraham to offer his son to him as a sacrifice, we believe that as parents we should always remember that our children are not ours. They are the Lord’s, and it is not about the plan that we have for them but it is about His plan. That is why we have chosen the name Isaac for our precious son. It is a reminder that his life (no matter how long or short it is here on earth) is for the glory of the Lord.”

 

The next few months were extremely hard knowing that he wouldn’t live, and that in reality, his heart could stop at any time. But the Lord gave strength, and while it was hard, Jonathan and Kacie made every effort not to mourn a life still being lived. They celebrated the small moments: his sonograms, his kicks, and hearing his heartbeat. God gave unexplainable peace during this terrible storm, and comforted them through overwhelming support and prayers offered by family, friends, and the body of Christ.

 

About three weeks ago, Jonathan and Kacie took a much needed family trip to Colorado. They relaxed and spent some time in the mountains, all the while God gently reminding them of His majesty and preparing them to see Isaac only two days after arriving back home. Friday night Kacie went into labor at 33 weeks and the flood of emotions was in full effect. Fear of the unknown. Excitement. Nervousness. Chaos. Peace. Grief. Joy. All being experienced at the same time. And Saturday was no different. So many mixed emotions, but one thing remained constant and unchanged - God is good.

 

At 12:20 pm, Isaac was born at just over 4 pounds and (taking after his dad), almost 18 inches long! He was born alive, whimpering, and breathing calmly - all things that were not normal for Trisomy 13 babies, but all things that were prayed for and answered according to God’s mercy, and saying “yes” to the prayers of His people. Sometime during the next two hours (and no one can even say exactly when), Isaac slipped away very peacefully - again, not normal for babies in his condition. Isaac’s life was short, but it was not wasted. There are few words that can describe those two short hours.

 

Meaningful.

And Powerful come to mind.

 

In that room there was a tremendous amount of grief and pain mixed with an indescribable joy and happiness. They had heard another couple describe the loss of their child as “a sacred dance of grief and joy, with joy taking the lead in the dance.” This perfectly described Jonathan and Kacie’s experience. Almost all of their memories of that day are happy memories. And they have never felt so loved, so much a part of the body of Christ, as they have these last few days.

 

Eighteen weeks ago, they had the choice to terminate and miss all this. But they knew that Isaac’s life would unite people in love. They knew it would bring more joy than sadness. They knew it would (and already has) opened the door for the gospel to be shared. And they knew they had been trusted with a tremendous opportunity to proclaim the faithfulness, the goodness, and the sovereignty of a holy God. They had been set aside to glorify God in a unique way, and I am so grateful for their God-centered response. Like Job, their lives have answered every question simply and powerfully, “The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away. Either way, blessed be the name of the Lord.”

 

 

Thursday, July 21, 2011 - Isaac's Birth as told by Mommy Part One

Reading back over my blog post entitled "Expectations" gives me chills. It is just incredible to see how God was preparing me in all ways possible for what was to come over the next few days. I remember telling a friend Thursday night how physically uncomfortable I was and then waking up before my doctor’s appointment Friday morning with a feeling that something was about to happen. When I told the doctor that I had been having some contractions she told me that she thought Isaac may come at any time. Because of his condition we weren’t surprised that I was possibly going into labor early. For some reason this isn’t uncommon with Trisomy 13 babies. We also knew that we weren’t going to take any measures to stop labor and we were just going to let him come when he was ready. I called my friend, Heather shortly after leaving the doctor to let her know what they said and she said she could hear the excitement in my voice. I was so very excited to know that the time that I was going to hold my sweet Isaac was getting closer. Yes, I was nervous, scared, and sad knowing that meeting him probably also meant telling him goodbye. I knew nothing could fully prepare me for that, but I was ready. I was so ready to see the face that so many of you had been praying for for months. I was ready to not worry about him being in pain or suffering. I was physically and emotionally so tired and I was so ready for this day. 

 

After running some last minute errands then going home and finishing Isaac and Kadynce’s outfits for the hospital I noticed my contractions getting closer and nothing was stopping them. We headed to the hospital where they decided that I was in labor and admitted me. Our little Isaac was on his way. We called family and friends and within minutes were not alone in our hospital room. We were already feeling more love than we could imagine. Things progressed slowly, which we were thankful for. We had family coming in from out of town that we wanted to meet Isaac and we just weren’t sure how long we would have with him. After getting a few hours of sleep morning came and so did many, many visitors. Our room was constantly buzzing with people and for that we will forever be thankful. They did a few things to help my labor progress and by noon we were ready to have our sweet baby. Right before I began pushing I remember trying to recall the last time I had felt him move wondering if he was going to be born alive. I so wanted him to live, if only for a few minutes. The Lord answered my prayers when Isaac Preston Hunt was born ALIVE and crying at 12:20 pm. I really think I heard him make noises before he was even all the way out. I didn’t even have to ask anyone if he was breathing because I knew before I even saw him that he was and I will always be so thankful for that. When they put him on my chest all I could do was tell him how pretty he was and how much I love him. He was perfect! His cleft lip didn’t matter. He was perfect! He was making little noises and moving his little mouth. It was just so sweet. The next few minutes Jonathan and I spent singing to him and just telling him how much we loved him. Oh we love him so much. We invited everyone back in as soon as we could because we wanted others to meet him before he went to heaven. Seeing everyone see him for the first time was beyond amazing. For hours family and friends held, rocked, and kissed our sweet Isaac. Sometime about 2 hours later (we’re not exactly sure when) he peacefully slipped from our arms into the arms of our Jesus. He was never in distress and didn’t seem to suffer one bit. What an answered prayer that was for this mommy. I had been so, so worried about that for months and I didn’t have to worry anymore. He was at peace. We were blessed to keep him in our room until about 9:00 that evening when the funeral home came and got his body. It was time. His body was getting cold and stiff and it was getting hard for me to see him that way. I knew that he wasn’t cold because he was in heaven, but it was still hard. Swaddling him for the last time and placing him in the basket to be taken away was the hardest moment of mine and Jonathan’s life, but oh how blessed we were to hold him and love on him, even if for only 9 hours. As I was kissing him for the last time all I could do was say “thank you” to God for our sweet Isaac. (to be continued)

 

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Sunday, July 24, 2011 - Isaac's Birth as told by Mommy Part Two

(Continued from part 1)

I slept great that night. I was at peace knowing my baby was in the arms of our Savior. I woke up missing him so badly. The pain almost unbearable, but the memories of the day before made me do nothing but smile. This little life had united people with a love that was indescribable. It was a love that could only come from one place, God. While I have always known that there was a reason that Isaac was sick and that we wouldn’t get to keep him, I never understood that reason and often asked “why?” While I still don’t have a full understanding and don’t think I ever will until I, myself get to heaven, I do believe I understand a little better. One of my best friends wrote in the guest book at the memorial service that Isaac was a missionary. I think he was just that. We have already heard several instances where Isaac’s story has opened the door for the gospel to be shared with people that don’t know Christ. Each time I hear something like this it just takes my breath away. I feel so honored that God chose my family to be a part of something so big.

 

This past week seems like a blur. The days seem to fly by, but yet it seems like it was forever ago that I was holding my sweet baby. I miss him so much. I miss his 10 sweet fingers and 10 sweet toes (we were told he would have at least 1 extra finger and problems with his feet, he did not). I miss his soft skin and beautiful golden hair. I miss holding his precious little body in my arms. I’m not sure where to go from here. What is my new normal going to be like? My mom is still here and I am so thankful for that because she is letting me rest both physically and mentally. It’s nice to know I won’t be alone when Jonathan goes back to work this week. My mommy is one of my best friends. It’s giving me a few more days before having to find my new normal. I am honestly a little scared of what that new normal is going to be like. I just had a baby, but I don’t have that baby to take care of now. I feel like things should just keep going like they were, but I have been forever changed by the events of this past week. It is all so very confusing, but I know the Lord will help me through one day at a time.

 

Thank you all so much for continuing to read my blog and for loving us so well. We love you all so much!

 

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Thursday, July 28, 2011 - Not Easy

The past couple of days have not been easy. Not that I expect less than two weeks after having and loosing a baby to be easy. I miss my Isaac so much it hurts. Physically I'm ok. Probably where I should be at this point postpartum. My body is still pretty sore at times and I tend to overdo it sometimes simply because I don't have a newborn to constantly remind me to lay low. Emotionally though I feel like I have been a mess. I don't know what I want or much less what I need from one minute to the next. I want so badly to just jump back into things the way they were before I had Isaac, but for some reason I just can't bring myself to do it. Postpartum hormones mixed with grieving is just not a good combination as I was warned it would not be. I'm not sharing this so any of you will worry about me or feel sorry for me. I'm simply sharing with the thought that there may be someone reading this going through a similar situation and I want them to know they are not alone during both the good and bad days. I am so thankful for my wonderful husband that loves me enough to tell me what I need when my mind isn't clear enough to know. I praise the Lord each day for the support system that he has provided us with during this time. I'm ok, I really am. I'm just sad and that's ok. 

 

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Friday, August 5, 2011 - Through the Eyes of Daddy...

For those who have read Kacie’s wonderful blog you know the feelings and the emotions she has been going through ever since we found out that Isaac was not a normal child. Kacie is open, she’s honest, she wears her heart on her sleeve, and I love her for that. However, something that has been somewhat missing from Isaac’s story, and something that is missing from many stories of families in similar situations, is the heart and response of the father. Today I want to respond. I want to share how I have viewed this whole situation since day one. I think it’s important for me to do, and will hopefully be valued by others - especially other fathers. 

 

Fight. Fix. Protect. This is what this Daddy wants to do when one of my own is hurting and helpless. And this was exactly my response was when we found out that there might be something wrong with our son. I remember the doctor’s appointments, the tests, the sonograms, the meeting with the genetic counselor. I remember the nurse passively saying “there’s something about the brain that looks weird...” All of this so vivid. What I also remember is my response. “Kacie, I think it’s going to be okay. The odds of this actually happening are slim. I think everything is fine.” These words I would utter so confidently, constantly wondering in the back of my head if I was wrong. What if something bad really could happen to our family? What if we weren’t immune? Since no diagnosis had been made and the possibility of something being wrong with our son was based on a fuzzy sonogram, I fought it.

 

My fighting turned into fixing that day in the sonogram room. I can still remember the words of the doctor. “We are not completely sure what your son has, but based on the sonogram we can know two things. 1 - He has a severe chromosome disorder - either Trisomy 18, Trisomy 13, or Triploidy. 2 - Your son is incompatible with life.” Crushed. Devastated. I can’t even think of a word to describe what I felt when the doctor said these things to us. All the hopes and dreams I had for my child were shattered. I wanted to fix him. When a tire goes flat - I fix it. When the batteries go out in Kadynce’s toy - I fix it. I’m a daddy and when there’s something wrong daddy fixes it! That’s just how it works. So, the most crushing thing was not that our son had a chromosome disorder or even that he was labeled “incompatible with life,” the most crushing thing to me in all of this was that my son was broken and no matter what I did, I could NOT fix it. 

 

Weeks began to pass by and Kacie and I handled things differently. Kacie was carrying Isaac every day so she connected with him differently. She had to think about him, she had to worry, she had to wonder about how things were going to happen when Isaac was born. I did not. Don’t get me wrong, I loved Isaac. I would feel him kick, talk to him, and tell him that I loved him - but I could escape. I could go to work and not think about him. We had been told from the point of diagnosis of Trisomy 13 that Isaac would most likely die in womb and if for some chance he made it to birth, he would most likely die during the birth process. This scared me. Mommy is always able to connect with their baby in the womb on a much greater level than Daddy and the thought of losing Isaac before he was born meant that I would never have that opportunity. I began to ask of God a selfish plea - “God, please allow Isaac to be born a live so I can hold him. So that he can hear my voice and I can feel his breath. So that he can feel the love of His earthly father before he is in the hands of his heavenly father.” 

 

As Isaac began to grow and mature, and doctors visits got closer and closer, it started becoming an actual reality that Isaac would be born. I began to be a little more protective of my son. I knew that while he was in his mommy’s belly he was fine. He was healthy, he was growing, he was alive. But I also knew that when he started to take breaths on this earth he would struggle, and eventually he would die. Being the fighting, fixing daddy that I am I wanted to protect him. In fact, I remember telling Kacie the morning before we went to the hospital that I wasn’t ready. I just wanted him to stay in her belly forever because that’s the only place that I knew he was safe. Of course Kacie probably thought I was crazy and was wishing that I would carry a baby for 14 months and see how I felt. But, I just wanted to protect him - and staying in mommy was the only way that was possible.

 

I had thought a lot about what our experience would be at the hospital. Would we have to rush to the hospital? When we got there would it be a very sad time? Would we be crying? Never in a million years did I think it would be so exciting. And never in a million years did I think it would be one of the best days of my life. After checking into the hospital we were anxious, we were excited, we knew our lives were about to change forever but didn’t know exactly how. We were surrounded by friends, pastors, elders, family, and some incredible nurses and doctors! It was by far an amazing experience. After a much needed epidural and a short night’s sleep - Kacie gave birth to Isaac Preston Hunt at on July 16th at 12:20pm. After about 30seconds of pushing (yes, Kacie is a professional) we were holding our son who was very much alive! God had blown me away and answered my plea to hold my son before giving him back to Jesus. I remember the three things that I told Isaac, “Isaac, I love you.” “Isaac, you are beautiful.” and “Isaac, it’s okay. You can go whenever you need to. You don’t have to stay here.” But the stubbornness that he got from his mommy took over and he blessed us with a life that lasted about two hours. It was a life of love. He knew nothing but it. He never had a heart break, was never rejected or deceived, never had to deal with the sin in this world. All he knew was the love of his mommy and daddy in the womb, the love of family, friends, and nurses, and now all he knows is the love of Jesus.

 

Since Isaac’s birth we have had some good times and some bad ones. The hardest part of our entire time in the hospital was putting our Isaac in the basket to be taken away by the funeral home. Thankfully, in God’s divine plan, we were surrounded by some amazing friends who we could not have done it without. The memorial service we had for Isaac was incredible. We were able to focus on the greatness and goodness of God. We prayed together, worshipped together, and truly experienced the body of Christ wrapping us up with love. And now, as the balloons have lost their air, the flowers have wilted, and all of the yummy goodies we received have been eaten, each day has it’s own trials. We desperately miss our Isaac, however we wouldn’t want him to be anywhere else right now than in the arms of his King. 

 

As I look back to day one of this journey I can see one thing. I see God working. From books that Kacie just “happened” to read, to relationships that we had made, to the incredible community of believers that God placed us in, all of this was God working in our lives to prepare us for this journey. Even through the life and death of Isaac we see God working incredibly. The Gospel has been preached because of Isaac, people have recommitted their lives to Christ because of Isaac, the life of Isaac Preston, though short, was powerful. God is the great missionary and Isaac was and continues to be part of His sovereign plan.

 

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Monday, August 15, 2011 - Empty Bassinet

I have wanted to have a big family for as long as I can remember. This is not something I talked about much to Jonathan as were we dating, engaged, or even first married. I mean I knew he wanted to have children too, but I felt like the issue of how many was something the Lord would work out and I just wasn't worried about it. I prayed that God would allow our desires to line up in that area. He did just that and they do. The number is unknown to us, but Jonathan and I both have the desire to have a large family by today's standards. I feel like this subject alone could be a post or two all by itself, but that isn't really what I want to talk about today.

 

All of that was said to say that without a doubt we desire to have more children. Because of that I naturally did not want to put the bassinet up after Kadynce grew out of it. I distinctly remember Jonathan asking me if I wanted him to put it in the attic and I told him "no, Lord willing we will have another baby sleeping in it before long." When we moved it was known that the bassinet went straight to our room. After all I was about 6 weeks pregnant and September 1st couldn't arrive soon enough so another sweet baby could sleep there. When we found out Isaac was sick I began putting anything we had for for him in the bassinet. It was somewhat of a makeshift nursery since we knew he probably wouldn't be with us for long. Each day I would look at his cute little outfits, blankets, and stuffed animals in anticipation of the day I would get to hold him and kiss his sweet cheeks. 

 

Now, however the bassinet is empty. It is no longer full of blue things waiting for that special day to get here. That day already came and went in what seems like the blink of an eye. Where a sweet little baby should be laying, napping right now there is nothing. Looking at it hurts because it reminds me of what I don't have, but at the same time makes me smile because of what I did have for a few short hours. Not to mention the memories I have for a lifetime. Tomorrow Isaac would be one month old. I look at his pictures and realize it's hard for me to remember not knowing what that sweet chubby-cheeked face would look like. In a way I feel like each day gets harder and harder as it is further away from when he was in my arms and I miss him so very much. I so don't want him to be forgotten. At the same time the Lord gives me the strength I need to get through each new day. To take care of and enjoy Kadynce and to look forward to what he has planned for our future. 

 

There are so many things I don't understand, but there is one thing that remains the same. God is good! 

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